Broken but Breathing (Jinx Tattoos Book 2) Read online

  “Dinner’s ready,” Es called.

  Saved by the bell.

  They sat down at the tiny table for two against the wall she’d laid out with paper plates, paper towels, and silverware.

  “Scotch?” she asked, waving the bottle.

  He nodded.

  “On the rocks or straight up?”

  “Rocks, please.”

  She stunned him by pulling out a nice set of tumblers.

  She smiled. “Even before Bartending School, I loved drinks and glassware. It’s the one bit of frivolity I’ve allowed myself.” She brought their drinks over and set his in front of him. “How are you feeling now?”

  “Better, support. You do your job okay.”

  She glanced down and her cheeks turned pink.

  Biting his tongue, he focused on cutting the superbly cooked cut of meat in front of him. Slightly pink on the inside with a nice char, it was impressive. Silence descended as they began to eat, and he found it didn’t bother him. Maybe my family circle is opening. I got room. He liked that she didn’t push him to talk. Right now, being here with her felt like enough. It was a startling thought. He shoved a piece of steak in his mouth and hummed.

  “You can cook a mean steak,” he said.

  “One of my many hidden talents,” she said. She seemed more relaxed today. Her lips weren’t drawn into a thin line and the lines around her eyes were fainter. “How are you?”

  “Better,” he answered, taking a sip of Scotch.

  They continued in a blissful state of semi-peace he clung to. He needed it to get him through the fresh bout of insanity he was battling.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Estelle

  “So what happened after you rushed me out last night?” Jolene asked.

  Estelle laughed. “How long did you force yourself to wait before you called to grill me?” she asked.

  “Long enough. Stop trying to distract me,” she said huffily.

  “He came over because he needed support. It wasn’t a date.”

  “Hey, he busted up a good girl’s night. It must’ve been important. You’re not one to flake out on those.”

  “He was there for me. I owed him.”

  “Uh huh. What did Mr. Mysterious think of your makeover?”

  “Jole!”

  “What? It’s an honest question.”

  “He asked me if we were going out to eat,” she muttered.

  Jolene howled.

  “Oh, laugh it up, you hyena. What did Mr. Todd think of your sexy surprise?”

  Jolene gasped. “He liked it very much according to the bruises I’m sporting.”

  “Oh shit!” Estelle exclaimed, shocked by her rawness.

  “It was unbelievable! His actions said more than any words ever could. We both agreed to sit down and talk over dinner this weekend.”

  “Alone?”

  “Yes, we booked seats on a River Boat tour that’s going out.”

  “Good for you!”

  “Yeah,” Jolene giggled.

  “You’re giddy.”

  “I am. This feels like it could be a fresh start.”

  “It is. The kids will be leaving home soon. You need to make sure you two are okay.”

  “I know. It’s harder to do than you’d imagine. Life gets so hectic. We’ve gotten caught up in the mechanics of living.”

  “Tell Todd what you’re telling me, and come up with a combative game plan. That man of yours is good at constructing order.”

  “Yeah, I think it’s a requirement for engineers. So, did support like your new undies?”

  “You wench,” Estelle said.

  She snickered. “Now that I’ve been properly laid, I think it’s time for you to be.”

  The sentence struck her unable to speak for a moment. Sex had become this obscure concept that didn’t pertain to her. She hadn’t felt desire until Snake stepped into the picture. Her mind had been too occupied with other things.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready,” she said honestly.

  “Babe, healing yourself means all parts. Not just your heart or your mind, but your body. I’m not telling you to hit up bars and do the one-night stand thing. Just to start thinking about the concept.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. But I’m in no rush. You know I’ve never been one for casual. Even when I was young.”

  “I know, babe,” Jolene said.

  “It’s weird to think about, you know? For so long my body has been a vessel I needed to keep functioning. It’s like waking up from a long coma and re-learning not only who I am, but the feel of things. It’s like thawing out.”

  “What were you before?” Jolene asked.

  “Numb. Alive, but dead inside. For a long time, I wished I hadn’t made it.”

  “Jesus.”

  “I know it’s something no one wants to hear, but it’s my reality. I lived that, and I’m still fighting my way back. When you’ve been beaten down so hard you relinquish your will to live, it’s soul-shattering. You and my parents were the lights at the end of the tunnel. Without you guys, I don’t know if I’d be here right now.”

  “Don’t say that. Give yourself credit. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  “I’m not sure about that.”

  “I am,” Jolene said.

  Estelle smiled. Her best friend loved her when she didn’t love herself.

  “Thank you for that. It’s a weird time.”

  “Understandable given the circumstances. I’d be worried if you were walking around like things were fine. You’re fighting your way through it, and when you get to the end, you’re going to look back and realize how resilient you are.”

  “A girl can dream. Most days I feel like I’m bumbling my way through life. Speaking of, I need to get off here and get ready for class.”

  “How much longer do you have?”

  “Scarily enough like two weeks. Then I hit the pavement looking for a gig.”

  “You give any thought to where you want to work?” Jolene asked.

  “Not yet,” she replied, blatantly lying. Her sister-in-law would expect her to tend bar in a restaurant or a quaint bar and grill, but that wasn’t going to happen. She got a taste of life with the Wild Ones, and she was hungry for more. They were life, and she needed to go to the wellspring for rejuvenation. Playing darts, pool, and bantering reminded her of the things she’d loved to do before Everett entered her life. Her husband never tried to change her, but he wasn’t exactly the bar type. She’d acclimated and drifted into a new stage of her life. It was a small price to pay for gaining everything else she’d longed for in a future mate.

  This time around, she’d live for herself. There was no reason to do otherwise.

  “You should start scouting, see who’s hiring. Your school helps with placement, right?”

  “They do. It was one of the reasons I went with them over the others out there. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?”

  “Sure thing, babe. Talk to you then.”

  She hung up and found her thoughts wandering to Snake. He’d seemed sad but steady when he left the apartment last night. It wouldn’t hurt to check on him. She quickly sent a text.

  ~ Support checking in. How you doing today? ~ Es

  ~Damn, going for brownie points, Es? ~Snake

  She laughed. ~Avoiding the question? ~Es

  No, enjoying busting your balls. I’m good. ~Snake

  She frowned. She hated the way technology took the human aspect out of communication. She couldn’t hear his voice or see his face to read him. I’ll let him come to me if he needs to. She thought about her response, feeling like a teenager trying to impress someone older.

  All right. Unlike some, I’m headed to school. Here after 11 if you need me ~ Es

  I act
ually work for a living, Sprite. Maybe I’ll show you around sometime. ~ Snake

  His words intrigued her. She had no clue what he did for a living. She wanted to respond with something witty, but the clock was ticking down.

  §

  She scowled as she sifted through her mail and found the jewelry store advertisement. Valentine’s Day was rearing its ugly head once more. Unlike some, she’d liked the holiday previously. A born romantic, she always went out of her way to plan something special for Everett. They’d had cozy nights in, extravagant dinners at expensive restaurants, weekends away, and a million other things she couldn’t bear to remember at the moment. Right now she was treading water. The walls were closing in once more as she moved into the job seeking phase with bartending, and continued to think about Snake more than she should. They’d taken to checking in with each other a few times a week.

  It comforted her, knowing she had someone outside of her family who gave a shit. But it also made her feel guilty, like she was replacing Everett in some way as the main man in her life. She walked over to the couch, plopped down, and tossed her mail onto the cocktail table. She’d committed to change, but now she didn’t know who the hell she was. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. She needed a sounding board, and Jolene wouldn’t be able to remain objective enough to count. It left Snake. She ran a hand through her now shoulder-length hair and closed her eyes. A faint, flickering desire to pray rose inside of her. Stunned, she sat up and looked around, almost expecting to see Jesus himself. She and the Lord had been on the outs for the past two years. The phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’ still set her teeth on edge. She’d never been mad at him for taking them. It was more about the fact that he’d left her behind.

  It was the worst kind of torture. She’d spent many days asking herself what she’d done to deserve it. Nothing anyone said could make her believe it wasn’t punishment. I’m not ready to make nice with you. She crossed her arms beneath her breasts and ignored the niggling feeling she was in the wrong. Ignoring the conviction on her heart, she stood. Sitting at home, she’d only wind herself up tighter. Grabbing the keys she’d just plonked down onto the table, she rose and hurried out of the stifling apartment. The place seemed to grow smaller with every day that passed. She stepped out into the chilly day, grateful for the unusual sunshine. Before she always went to the Loveland Bike Trail when she needed to clear her thoughts; it was a place she and Everett frequented. Instinct guided her in that direction, but fear stopped her short. She’d avoided the walking and bike trails there like the plague because they held too many memories.

  Healing means being brave and facing shit. Am I going to continue to go out of my way to not drive by a place which once held so much joy? No. She made giant strides. The thought of backsliding filled her with terror. That’s how it always happened previously. She took a step back here, another there, and before she knew it, she was on her ass and ready to retreat from the world again. This year I said I did, instead of I tried. Determined, she continued to the car with her head held high. She understood the concept of fake it until you make it. It’d had been the only thing that had gotten her to walk into the Bartending School that first night under her own power and again when Snake invited her into the clubhouse.

  Her hands shook slightly, and her brain screamed at her to abort her mission. She ignored both as she drove the familiar route. An intense sense of discomfort settled in. Her throat went dry. She swallowed and continued to push herself. I can do this. Twenty minutes later, the trail loomed in front of her. She stood in front of the area where the sidewalk ended and the trail began. The colors were muted. Spring had yet to truly begin and the muddy brownish-green color of the grass and leaves made the place seem cold and unwelcoming. She stepped over the crack and sucked in a deep breath. I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

  Like a drunk driver trying to prove sobriety, she placed one foot in front of the other and shakily navigated the yellow lined strip of concrete. With every inch she gained, the vise on her heart lessened. The world hadn’t ended, and the grief didn’t bring her to her knees. Her mission turned into an actual walk. Her muscles relaxed, and her arms swung at her sides. Look at me, passing for normal. Delighted by the positive turn of events, she picked up the pace, enjoying the exercise. Rounding the corner, she took in the family of three and froze. The father was tall with dark curls falling around his handsome face. A five o’clock shadow covered a strong jaw, and dark brown eyes sparkled with mirth. His wife, a petite blonde, chased their squealing daughter. The girl couldn’t be more than three or four years old at the most. A mass of dirty blonde curls tumbled around her tiny shoulders as she ran in circles.

  “I’m going to get you, Emma!” the mother said.

  Her stomach soured. She turned on her heel and took off the way she came, pumping her arms and legs as she put distance between herself and what might’ve been. Water distorted her vision, and she stepped off the path and into the wooded area. Hidden behind a tree, she allowed her sobs to break free. Why? Why did this happen? Every time I pull myself up you take my legs out from under me. What did I do to deserve this? She silently raged to the God she’d spent so many months ignoring.

  Because you have to deal with all of this before you can rebuild yourself. The words and lucidity struck lighting fast. She leaned back against the tree, stunned into stillness. There was an indiscernible feeling connected to that wayward thought which brought calm, and the beginnings of what might one day become peace.

  She closed her eyes and took the chains off the box inside where she’d shoved her faith. Like a loyal friend, it was there waiting, and ready to assist her. “God grant me the serenity

  to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference,” she whispered.

  It wasn’t a quick fix, but her burden felt lighter. The memory of her last Valentine’s Day with her husband returned, and she allowed herself to enjoy it. He’d flown in from a business trip out of town early, and surprised her with a carriage ride downtown, and dinner at their favorite steak house. I was a very lucky woman once. The happy times might never override the tragedy, but she cherished the newly discovered ability to remember the period before her world crashed down without falling to pieces. Lifting up her T-shirt she wiped away her tears, knowing she was stronger than she’d been when she first arrived.

  §

  Snake

  His mind went to Es for the millionth time. How is she handling the holiday? Valentine’s Day tended to be a big deal for most traditional couples. He took out his cell phone and shot her a text.

  Support check in. ~ Snake

  I’m okay. Hit a rough patch. ~ Es

  He sympathized. The first few years solo were the hardest. The time before you lost them was still fresh along with the grief, and the haze that slowed down time.

  Anything, I can do? ~ Snake

  They’d gotten closer over the past month, texting back and forth and slowly getting to know and trust one another. It was rare for him to have a female companion he wasn’t sleeping with. He dug her ability to truly get where he was coming from and make him laugh. The girl could dish it out and take it. It made for fun times. He didn’t have to censure himself or worry that she’d be offended by his brothers. As long as they didn’t direct their bullshit toward her, she was solid.

  Nah, I worked it out. ~ Es

  Her response made him snicker. Look at this Billy bad ass.

  Yeah? You’re getting to be a real hard ass, huh? Maybe I’m a bad influence. ~ Snake

  You wish. I won’t give you credit for my hard-earned street cred. ~ Es

  He barked a laugh. Look at Ms. Mouth, coming into her own. He couldn’t help but feel he had something to do with how far she’d come. He looked at himself as her mentor in a way. She had some support, but they were looking for the woman she’d once been, not underst
anding that person would never exist again. Misfortune left a mark on you. It split your soul into pieces, and once you put yourself back together, you found yourself permanently altered.

  “Look at this guy. Did he finally get a girlfriend or what?”

  Snake looked up at the loud mouthed nomad who’d hit the clubhouse late last night. The dark-haired man with cold coal black eyes, and reputation for starting fights rose red flags. Men could get squirrelly on the road.

  “You mean you don’t have female friends, Duke?” Snake asked.

  “Don’t need a bitch to hold my hand and make me giggle like a little girl. They make you soft.”

  Snake arched an eyebrow. Duke was baiting him. You don’t want any, motherfucker. I’d break your road worn ass.

  “Maybe you,” Snake said, returning to his phone.

  You got jokes, cute. ~ Snake

  “No, motherfucker, I’m talking about you. How can you be my V.P when you’re love struck and giggling—”

  Snake stood. “You’ve been on the road too long. You come in here talking that shit out of your ass. I could fuck you up. But it’s Valentine’s Day and I have other plans so I’m going to give you a chance to apologize, and get your shit together before your mouth cashes a check your ass can’t cover.”

  Snake’s muscles flexed as he stared down the man who stood with pursed lips.

  “Yeah, sorry about that, Veep.”

  “Next time, I’m putting you on your ass. Go have some drinks, get laid, and chill the fuck out.”

  Duke nodded, and slinked off like a wounded animal licking its wound. He watched his retreat, never taking his eyes off his back until he disappeared into the crowd.

  “The fuck?” a member mumbled beside him.

  Snake shook his head. “Brother got his brain scrambled driving in the hot sun. I’d hate to welcome a man home with an ass whopping.”

  Laughter rang out, breaking the tension. Snake smirked. He’d be watching him while he was here. Sometimes nomads went off the reservation. They had a tough job, they spent a lot of time alone, and had a lot of blood on their hands. Sometimes they needed a reprieve.